• Do you put yourself down for not being "good enough" or "smart enough?"
• Do you have difficulty knowing what's realistic to expect of yourself?
• Do you compare yourself and often feel inferior or superior?
• Do you call yourself names when faced with frustration or defeat?
• Do you expect yourself to do everything right to the point of perfection?

We all have an Inner Critic. It is that internal voice that tells us that we are falling short, that we didn't do something well enough, that someone else could do it better, that our feelings are foolish, that we are making a big deal out of nothing, that we are ugly, stupid and/or fat.

Ironically, our Inner Critic actually developed as an attempt to minimize pain and maximize feelings of safety and security. In early childhood, when we are totally dependent on our parents and caretakers, we need to believe that they have our best interests at heart. As children, we have no way of comprehending the real stressors facing adults, and the emotional limitations they carry from their own backgrounds.

Here's an example to help explain the Inner Critic's protective attempts: if a mother is depressed and unavailable to meet her child's needs, that child will feel too vulnerable to conclude that the mom is, in fact, inadequate. Instead the child will think "I'm too needy," or "I don't deserve the attention I want." The Inner Critic's voice steps in to say "It must be my fault" rather than assess that the parent is compromised.


Why We Listen to the Inner Critic

We maintain a belief that the Inner Critic is on our side, wants to "improve" us, and make us feel adequate. Many of us believe that we would never be motivated to achieve if we didn't put ourselves down or get angry in response to disappointments. We may even believe our Inner Critic's threats and feel scared that bad things might happen if we don't listen to its blaming and shaming voice.

These beliefs are myths held by stories we told ourselves long ago when we were younger and less able to see the bigger picture. Those stories got shaped by distorted ideas that held us responsible, and at fault, for circumstances beyond our control. They become strengthened by the Inner Critic's inability to perceive the inevitable complexities of life.


What's The Brain Got To Do With It

The thinking mind is controlled by the hardwiring of the brain. The brain actually has literal pathways, called neural networks, made up of thoughts and feelings that get associated over time. When early life experiences provide high exposure to helplessness, fear, and pain, neural networks grow, increasing the likelihood of feeling distress and anxiety. The result is that our ability to regulate emotions and calm the mind/body system gets compromised.

Self-talk, that inner dialogue between parts of our own mind, is influenced by these neural pathways. When we live with disapproving parents, teachers or friends, we internalize their critical messages. Our brains literally develop patterns that repeat their harsh words and the tones in which they were said.

As human beings, we tend to believe that everything that goes on in our mind is valuable and accurate. This is not true. Our Inner Critic is not the keeper of truth, it is simply an internal voice that pulls for our attention. The more we listen to it, the more we strengthen it and subject ourselves to its harmful force.


How to Create the Voice of the Inner Coach

While the Inner Critic may be strong, it can be calmed. It will never go away completely but we can learn strategies to reduce its destructive power and, in doing so, we build new neural pathways that support our well being and self-esteem.

Just as the Inner Critic developed over time, so too can an Inner Coach. With practice and patience an Inner Coach can help us to tolerate the discomfort that comes when we refrain from self-criticism, accept positive feedback and learn to use more encouraging language in our self-talk.

Here are some ideas to guide you on your journey to calm your Inner Critic and to build your Inner Coach:


Tips for Building Your Inner Coach:

1. Become mindful of when and how your Inner Critic talks. Write down its words and notice its patterns.
2. Explore the sources that have fed your Inner Critic - what messages did you receive from family, friends, teachers, coaches, religious leaders?
3. Interrupt the negative self-talk. Literally say "stop" when you hear self-criticism.
4. Resist comparing yourself to others.
5. Catch the ways you overgeneralize, taking one fact or event and making a generalized rule out of it.
6. Eliminate the use of "should" and "shouldn't" from your vocabulary. They promote feelings of shame and rarely help to provide perspective.
7. Practice the voice of an Inner Coach. Start by identifying what positive coaches say and then write down some of the encouraging messages you need to hear from your Inner Coach.
8. Practice speaking words of compassion. As is true for all learning, we develop through imitating.
9. Be patient.
10. Seek help from those who can make a difference ñ therapists, religious leaders, friends, etc. Participate in a workshop that strengthens your self-esteem skills.

• The Self Esteem Companion by McKay, Fanning, Honeychurch & Sutker
• Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice by Firestone, Firestone & Catlett
• How To Get From Where You Are To Where You Want To Be by Cheri Huber